A Hole

Please let me explain: I have a hole in my neck due to ALS.

Once upon a time I was overweight. Very overweight. I’m talking 300 pounds. ALS changed me in so many ways, but weight loss was critical. It was important for my nurses to turn me for a bed bath, it was crucial for my health, and necessary for my heart.

Enter: ALS. I was some what healthy when the symptoms started. Eventually, It got harder to move. One day, I was sent to the hospital for pneumonia. I had to be put on a ventilator. As my pneumonia cleared up, I was apparently visited by my doctor and he asked me if I wanted a tracheostomy, but I don’t remember any of this. I must’ve said yes because the next time I woke up, I had tubing coming out of my neck, and a feeding tube on my left side. Had I been awake when the doctor asked me would like a tracheostomy, I would have told him absolutely NO!! I could never speak or eat again. For my family and friends, on my laptop, I left two or three videos with me talking.

Now, about that hole, from not being able to eat whatever I want (I receive food and medications through the feeding tube) I began to lose weight. As I lost fat, my neck lost weight, too. Now, we come to thick of the matter: The infamous hole; the bane of my life. This hole came quickly. One day when I being given chicken broth (I can still drink), the fluid began to flow out of my neck! I was really surprised and, later, upset. Those were the end of my broth days. It was only the hot drinks and soup that exits my body via my neck. It was the cold drinks that went directly into my stomach.

My doctor is trying to close it up. Yesterday, he put a specialized tape on the hole, and you know I had to test it! I had to have my chicken broth for the first time in a year! It was so good, and it didn’t leak.

Mark 11:22 – And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God. (KJV)

Faith Vs. Fear

At the beginning, when I was in my late teens, there was a church I went to. I was present for every program I could go to, including Sunday school, two services on Sunday, and Wednesday night prayer meetings. I bought and read every book on the church’s bookstand and started reading my Bible once through the year. I was truly a (young) church lady.

Then, something happened that changed the trajectory of my life, and gave me a guilt trip like no other. My husband and I (this is 15 years later) found out that the pastor and at least two elders had lied to us. I won’t go into that here, but it caused us to leave that church, with our three children.

We tried another church, but then my husband received his job’s walking papers. We could not afford our home, so he put it “for sale” sign in our yard. I was devastated. After it was sold, we moved to Florida.

My husband and I found a new church, hoping that one would fit with our beliefs. It didn’t. We then tried another denomination. It didn’t fit either. Eventually, we gave up. Therein lies my guilt: I have no idea if my children love our Savior. I hope they do, but God alone knows the status of their hearts.

Although I pray for them all, I still have a feeling of dread. The Bible teaches us that the opposite of faith is fear. It’s time I accept that premise.

Romans 14:23b – …whatsoever is not of faith is sin. (KJV)